I kissed my friend’s girlfriend


What the hell did she say?!
“I don’t chase boys, they chase me”. She grinned at me. “It is all right”. ” He will be over here begging me to sleep with him soon and us talking will just speed up the process.” Until then, you get the honor of my company. I said. “Lucky for me it doesn’t look like you’re armed with a beverage tonight”. She laughed but stopped suddenly. I could feel her eyes on me but I didn’t look up.

“Are you alright? You don’t seem as aggressive as usual”
“Leave me alone, Julian am serious. “What’s wrong?” “Go away”. The anxiety inside me needed to escape, to be released in some way. I couldn’t wait untill Paul and I got back home to vent. I needed to let it out then. I didn’t want to cry, not in front of half dwellers and there was no way I was going to talk about it with Paul or the mouthpiece in Julian (Paul’s girlfriend) seated next to me, and punching someone would just get me in trouble. I couldn’t see any other options but I felt like I could explode if I didn’t let it out soon.

My mom and dad had divorced a day before! Mom was back to Kiruhura, dad was drowning. I was too much of a coward to do a damn thing about it. “There has to be something bothering you, Casa?” Julian persisted. “You look like you might cry” She put her hand on my shoulder forcing me to turn and face her. OMG! Then I did a really fucked up thing. My only excuse is that I was under an unbelievable amount of stress and I spotted an outlet.

I needed something to distract me, anything far from my parent’s drama in just a second. And when I saw my chance, I didn’t stop thinking about how much I would regret it later. An opportunity sat on the bar stool beside me and I laughed at it. Literally, I kissed Julian!

One second her hand lay on my shoulder and my pink eyes rested, for once, on my face and the next my mouth was on hers. Her lips were fierce with bottled emotions and she seemed to be tense, her body Frozen in shock. That didn’t last very long. An instant later, she returned the aggression, my hands flying to her sides and pulling her towards me. It felt like a battle between our mouths.

My hands clewed into her curly hair, tagging its way harder than necessary and her finger tips dung into my waist. It worked better than punching someone. Not only did it help to release the agonizing pressure, but it definitely distracted me. I mean it’s hard to think about your parents’ issues when you’re making up with someone and also kissing my friend’s girlfriend was another crime I will have guilt all through my life.

As disturbing as it sounds, Julian was really a good kisser. She leaned into me and tagged herself to me so hard that I nearly fell off my stool. In that moment we just couldn’t get close enough to each other. Our separate seats seamed like they were miles apart. All my thoughts vanished and I became a sort of physical being. Emotions disappeared. Nothing existed but our bodies and our warring lips were at center of everything.

It was a bliss. It was amazing not to think. Nothing! Nothing!……… until she screwed it up. My hands slid into her waist traling to her torso until it rested on her boob. Everything flooded back and I suddenly remembered exactly who I was kissing. I tore my hands from boobs and she shove me away. Anger and fresh hot anger surged through me completely and anxious worry I had been feeling or a minute before vanished.

Her hand dropped and landed on my knee as she pulled away. I looked surprised but distinctly pleased. “Wow, that was……………..!” She slapped me and my hand flew to her check. “What the hell?” I demanded, “Why did you slap me?” I yelled, and I jumped off the stool and stormed on to the dance floor. I didn’t want to admit, but I was madder at my self than at her but I did it….

Avoid lies and liers.

              Avoid lies and liars 

Oftentimes people think they can play around with God. Just because He is merciful and slow to anger, there is a tendency, and a dangerous one to that- to think that we can stubbornly and consciously go around doing all sorts of evil and wickedness, and then come back to Him wagging our tails and expect Him to be okey with it. Well, the truth is that is such a big lie!!! This was the same case with the children of Israel. They thought that they would go against God’s word and His commands and then come back to Him and all goes on just normally, how wrong they were!!!

God asked them in Jeremiah:7:9-11> “Will you steal, murder, commit adultery, swear falsely, burn incense to Baal, and walk after other gods whom you do not know, and then come and stand before Me in this house which is called by My name, and say, ‘We are delivered to do all these abominations’? Has this house which is called by My name, become a den on thieves in your eyes? Behold, I even I, have seen it,” says the Lord.

It is unfortunate that that’s how most of the Christians live and behave these days. They go sleep around, steal cheat others, oppress others, tell lies, visit shrines and witchdoctors, commit adultery, murder, and all sorts of mischief and then come singing “the Cross covered it all”, “We are under the grace” and such. So bad!!!

Here is what God told the children of Israel, “But go now to My place which was in Shiloh, where I set My name at the first, and see what I did to it because of the wickedness of My people Israel. And now because you have done all these works,” says the Lord, “and I spoke to you, rising up early and speaking, but you did not hear, and I called you, but you did not answer, therefore I will do to the house which is called by My name, in which you trust, and to this place which I gave to you and your fathers, as I have done to Shiloh. And I will cast you out of My sight, as I have cast out all your brethren- the whole posterity of Ephraim. (Jer:7:12-15).
Do not continue to lie to yourself. Do not continue to live unrighteously, wickedly and in sin and expect all to be well with you because God is Gracious and Merciful. Do not deceive yourself. He will cast you out of His sight.

Repent and turn from all your evil and wicked ways.

Purpose to do God’s will.

My purpose Reign with Jesus because it’s what I have chosen to do. I have lived years here on earth even when they are not many but I know it’s about God that we shall achieve God’s purpose.

“And they sang a new song, saying: “You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased for God persons from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth.” (Revelation 5:9–10)

Wow! Redeemed to God by the blood of Christ, he has made us priests to serve him; and we will reign on earth for him! Truly, as Job said, we have only seen the edges of God’s ways. How awesome he is; beyond words of human description. What a privilege it is that he allows us to worship him and to act on his behalf irrespective of our sinful nature.

It is God who justifies us, not our works, not our behavior, not our giving, nor anything else. Jesus by himself purged our sins. Jesus washed away our sins with his blood. By his blood we are brought near to God. By his blood we are justified. By his blood, he purchased our eternal redemption. His blood is the only acceptable payment to God for our sin. By his blood, we have atonement for our souls. Truly, we are a special people!

Our only response should be, I believe, that God desires that we should be zealous for good works, particularly those that facilitate the expansion of his kingdom in this world. We are in a race against time. We are God’s chosen instrument for reaching our own generation with the gospel of Jesus Christ. We are destined to reign on earth with him! Now is the time to get to work. Give of your time, talent and treasure and give some more!

Heart Deposit come “in what ways are you being used by God to bring the message of eternal life to a lost and dying world?

It’s still being explained well in John 3:3.. “Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.”
“Blessed and holy are those who share in the first resurrection. The second death has no power over them, but they will be priests of God and of Christ and will reign with him for a thousand years.” Revelation 20:6

Chose a life that glorifies God because it was His purpose that God put his efforts to create you.

By Casa.

How does it feel to love someone who can’t love you back?


What is the first word that comes to mind when you love someone who will never love you back?. Empty, Void, Blank, or Pointless. Because that’s exactly what it is.
It’s like eating junk food when you’re not even hungry because you’re sure, so sure that it will satiate you. That it will make you happy. That it will give you some sort of sense of satisfaction, of contentment. But that feeling never comes and you’re left just sitting in front of what is essentially, a waste, with nothing to show for it but a mess you’ve done to yourself.

It’s an uphill battle where there’s nothing waiting for you at the top. A marathon with no one else at the finish line. It’s fighting every day with bloody knuckles and an even more battered heart hoping that someone will be there to make everything worth it, everything okay, and realizing that you’re standing alone with absolutely nothing to show for yourself and your struggles, responsible for picking up the pieces of your own emotions solo.

Because metaphors aside, there’s not really anything good or at the very least, fulfilling, that comes from falling in love with someone who you know deep down will never truly love you back. It’s purposeless. It’s empty. It leaves you completely hollow.

Loving someone, really truly loving someone, who cannot and will not love you back isn’t something that will make you stronger. It can teach you a lot of things, but make you stronger? Not really. No matter which way you paint it, whatever beautiful embellishment you try to put onto your own cliché unrequited love, there’s not really a life lesson to take away from the situation.
Because the number one thing you learn when you love someone who doesn’t love you back? It’s that sometimes, love really isn’t enough. Loving someone, and continuing to love someone who will not love you back isn’t brave. And it isn’t strong. While there is something to be said for having a big heart and having the capacity to give pieces of yourself to people who don’t, and don’t deserve to, appreciate you, holding onto them when they aren’t holding back isn’t brave or strong or good.

It’s self-destructive.

Because deep down, truthfully, that’s what loving someone who you know will never love you back really is. It’s dousing your core in gasoline, handing someone else the match to see what they’ll do, and setting everything on fire yourself when you realize that they’re indifferent about what does or does not happen. And the longer it takes you to realize that that’s the case, that you’re responsible for your own entire wreckage, the longer it will take you to scoop up your own ashes and rebuild yourself when you finally come to your senses.

That’s what trying to fill yourself with someone who doesn’t truly love you is.
It’s empty. It’s unfulfilling. It’s hollow. It will do nothing but frustrate you, fail you, and leave you standing there with nothing but the remnants of a you, you don’t even recognize in your own hands. Because that’s the cost of loving someone who does not, and will not love you back.

You won’t lose this person who you’ve idealized, who you’ve loved unrequitedly. You won’t miss out on “what could’ve been” and you won’t fail to jump onto a train that was maybe heading your way. You won’t find yourself grasping at the fingertips of anyone else, because the only person you will have failed to truly hold onto is y-o-u.

So what does it honestly mean to love someone who doesn’t love you back?
It means losing you, losing yourself. It means letting go of things that may be actually tangible, and favoring something you will never actually hold close. It means putting a fantasy in front of your own reality, fragments in front of your own wholistic life.
Loving someone who will not love you back is quite simply, a waste of your precious, precious time.

So what do you do? What do you do when you find yourself sitting there, attempting to justify and make sense of someone else’s ambivalence and your own inexplicable need to love them when they haven’t asked it or earned it?

You let go. You move on.
No matter how hard it is, no matter the struggle. No matter how much you want to cling to them, and no matter how much you feel like you love them.
You have to let them go.
Because in letting them go, you know who you’ll get to hold onto instead?
And that’s the only thing you’ll ever really need, anyway.

The fate of sexual harassment in my mind😭

She has always dreamed of becoming the powerful woman of her generation and excitement on finally joining University, was overwhelming when she entered the Makerere campus. She was full of hope. Hope of changing her family where she was raised by a single mother for better.

One year later, the young Allen (not real names) feels frastrated. “I love myself and my studies but sometimes I wonder if am in the right place”, she said.

The bubbly student who has been the target of sexual harassment by her senior students and caregiver( a man who volunteered to pay her tution after the death of her dad) “I once had my breasts squeezed by a man old enought to be my father. Another one hounded me during our S.6 trip to Queen Elizabeth national park. This boy had paid for my trip and there was no way I could deny. The guy kept staring at me, I felt shy and decided to change sitting position in the bus not until he confidently came to sit beside me. Allen said,

“Harassment is commonly in schools, workplaces and sometimes in homes but often goes unreported because we fear the consequences.

Else where in Kabale, 60km south East town of Mbarara City, Kyoheirwe Joan has battled with her has and for two years now who sexually abused their daughter(raped). She reported the case to the police but it’s been all in vain because Joan couldn’t raise 100000shs to facilitate the investigation. The file was opened at one of the police stations bit it later disappeared. She gave up and decided to divorce her husband in the long run with her children.

In 2018, Uganda Demographic and Health Survey revealed that up to 22% of women aged 15 to 49years in the country had experienced sexual violence. This translates to more than 1milion women exposed to sexual violence every year in Uganda.

Violence against women has recently taken new and more sophisticated form. An increasing number of women for instance reporting cyber-bullying and abuse through social media and smart phones has also increased. Most of have tried to blame it on Covid pandemic because there was alot of redundancy with no work to make people busy but I refuse to be corrupted.

Recently I received a WhatsApp call from a strange number. When the guy on the other side picked, he started groping his genitals. I blocked him. “Said Allen in an interview”

In 2014, Desire Luzinda, a celebrated Ugandan musician made a public apology after her ex boyfriend leaked her nude pictures on social media. “I want to apologize to my mother, daughter, family, friends, fans and any other persons who have been offended by these images. This was breach of trust by someone I loved……… This person has not only abused that trust but now seeks to drag me down”. Said Luzinda who was charged under the 2014 Anti-pornographic Act.

Since Desire Luzinda’s incident in 2014, a number of 10 women in Uganda, their nude pictures have been leaked on social media by jilted lovers, resulting into public shaming and redicule. This form of abuse thrives on an absence of proper legislation and lack of investigation expertize among Ugandan law enforcement officers. Unless we put in place effective laws and equip enforcement organs with modern technology and skills to handle these case, the solution will just worsen.

All along the government has claimed of awareness about rape and issues concerning with gender based violence, cyber-bullying cases but it seems not efforts have been put to reduce because these issues increase day in and out.

As public, it is in our hands to start policing ourselves and take up the responsibility as citizens. Let everyone try to do his work as it is supposed to do, respect one another and join hands to can the cases irrespective of little efforts the government has put for us. The public has somehow imbalances but we can still help our young generation to meet their goals.
Thank you.

Send out the light of God.


God empowers those he is using to accomplish his purposes in this world. As spiritual thinkers, we know that Christ is the light of the world, the source of life and the fountain of life where we must spend time soaking our hearts in his presence. This investment of time is needed if we are going to be effective as fragile vessels of clay to carry the light of the gospel into this lost work.

“Send me your light and your faithfully care, let them lead me, let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell” (Psalm 43:3)
Our life, our confidence

, and our sufficiency are sourced in Christ. All of the promises of God find their yes in Jesus Christ. Christ empowered light can only shine into the world through us as we allowand trust the power of the cross to suppress the self-life that is so eager to manifest itself.

Always ask yourself, Am I trusting in Christ to live his life through me instead of looking to my own self-effort to do so? And in so doing, make sure you don’t hold back either the armor of that you hold. God says, “Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes”. (Ephesians 6:11)

The Christian Life is all about advancing, pressing forward, running a race, forgetting those things that are behind all for the purpose of accomplishing God’s will on this Earth. We invade the darkness with light of the gospel going into all the world with all the means God has given us. Retreat is not an option. We are in a battle, taking new ground. After taking it, we stand firm.
It is interesting to note the armor of God that we put on. Apparently, no provision is mentioned for our back. As Christian’s, we are to advance, no retreat. We are to invade our culture, keeping the culture from invading the church. Others have said that the best defence is a good defence.

The more activewe can be in Pershing the goals of eternity, the more success we will have in holding off the enemies of discouragement, depression, excessive consumerism, greed and fear. A growing and active faith is the best defence against the wiles of the devil. Taking new ground gives us increasing boldness.

All of us are Ina race against time. Ourloaf of time is shortened by the slice each day. When our time comes, would it not be great for people to say of us. “There is a person who died facing the enemy taking new ground for the king”.

Pride of a white child in a black family..


Growing up in a community where everyone felt I didn’t belong there was the most disturbing moment for me. We were born twins, my twin sister and I had completely different skin colours and I must say I took the worst colour. Sarai (my sister) was real African with a black skin and I was completely different with white skin color. I looked real white man’s child and I can’t tell what caused that and even when I asked my parents, no one ever gave me the right answer even when both of our parents were completely black. I know most people will feel proud especially to have such features of skin but I was not near to that.

One afternoon I was playing with my cousins. I was a doctor and they were my patients. I was operating on my cousin Owen’s ear with a set of matches when I accidentally perforated his eardrum. All hell broke loose. My grandmother came running in from the kitchen. Casa?!” “What’s happening?!” There was blood coming out of my cousin’s head. We were all crying. My grandmother patched up Owen’s ear and made sure it stopped the bleeding. But we kept crying.

Because clearly we’d done something we were not supposed to do, and we knew we were going to be punished. My grandmother finished up with Owen’s ear and whipped out a belt and she beat the shit out of my other two brothers. Then she beat the shit out of my sister too. She didn’t touch me.
Later that night my mother came home from work. She found my cousin with a bandage over his ear and my grandma crying at the kitchen table. “What’s going on?” my mom said.

“Oh, dear,” she said. “Casa is so naughty. He’s morally reprehensible child I’ve ever come across in my life.” “Then you should hit him.” “I can’t hit him.” “Why not?” “Because I don’t know how to hit a white child,” she said. “A black child, I understand. A black child, you hit them and they stay black. Casa, when you hit him he turns blue and green and yellow and red. I’ve never seen those colors before. I’m scared I’m going to break him. I don’t want to kill a white person. I’m so afraid. I’m not going to touch him.” And she never did.

My grandmother treated me like I was white. My grandfather did too, only he was even more extreme. He called me “Jesus.” In the car, he insisted on driving me as if he were my chauffeur. “Jesus must always sit in the backseat.” I never challenged him on it. What was I going to say? “I believe your perception of race is flawed, Grandfather.” No. I was five. I sat in the back.

There were so many perks to being “white” in a black family, I can’t even front. I was having a great time. My own family basically did what the American justice system does: I was given more lenient treatment than the black kids. Misbehavior that my cousins would have been punished for, I was given a warning and let off. And I was way naughtier than either of my cousins. It wasn’t even close. If something got broken or if someone was stealing granny’s cookies, it was me. I was trouble.

My mom was the only force I truly feared. She believed if you spare the rod, you spoil the child. But everyone else said, “No, he’s different,” and they gave me a pass. Growing up the way I did, I learned how easy it is for white people to get comfortable with a system that awards them all the perks. I knew my cousins were getting beaten for things that I’d done, but I wasn’t interested in changing my grandmother’s perspective, because that would mean I’d get beaten, too. Why would I do that? So that I’d feel better? Being beaten didn’t make me feel better. I had a choice. I could champion racial justice in our home, or I could enjoy granny’s cookies. I went with the cookies.

At that point I didn’t think of the special treatment as having to do with color. I thought of it as having to do with my name. It wasn’t, “Casa doesn’t get beaten because he is white.” It was, “Casa doesn’t get beaten because Casa is Casa.” Casa can’t go outside. Casa can’t walk without supervision. It’s because I’m me; that’s why this is happening. I had no other points of reference.

There were no other brown kids around so that I could say, “Oh, this happens to us.” Nearly one thousand people lived in Bwizibwera Mbarara. Ninety-nine point nine percent of them were black and then there was me. I was famous in my neighborhood just because of the color of my skin. I was so unique people would give directions using me as a landmark. “The house of Mwebaze, the richest man down the road. At the corner, you’ll see a light-skinned boy. Take a look right there.” Whenever the kids in the street saw me they’d yell, like “Reeba omujungu!” (The white boy!) Some of them would run away. Others would call out to their parents to come and see. Others would run up and try to touch me to see if I was real. It was fun. What I didn’t understand at the time was that the other kids genuinely had no clue what a white person was. Black kids in the township didn’t live the township life. Few people had televisions. They’d seen the white people roll through the town in their cars but they’d never dealt with a white person face-to-face, ever.

I’d go to funerals and I’d walk in and the bereaved would look up and see me and they’d stop crying. They’d start whispering. Then they’d wave and say, “Oh!” like they were more shocked by me walking in than by the death of their loved ones. I think people felt like the dead person was more important because a white person had come to the funeral.

Even the schools I attended in my kindergarten, kids still got teased and bullied, but was about usual kid stuff: being fat or being skinny, being tall or being short, being smart or being dumb. I don’t remember anybody being teased about their race. I didn’t learn to put limits on what I was supposed to like or not like. I had a wide range to explore myself. I had crushes on girls. I had crushes on black girls. Nobody asked me what I was. I was Casa and only they could do was accept me. I never dated a girl and she turned me down. I was gifted on that.

Surely I have grown up witnessing issues of racism especially in the world of football and sport but I have to say we are all human, what separates us is just skin colour. I never became the first in class neither do I have the best job because of how I look. This means no where special with fellow black people or white. No one should ever make you feel shy and downplay your worth because of your skin colour. Say no to racism.

By Casa.

Dealing with rejection


Some situations can be experienced on a large scale while others are typically part of our everyday life. Some types of rejection are maybe more difficult to deal or cope with others especially relationship or job applications but regardless we move. It happened to my friend and this is how he tried to camaflouge around.

It was a beautiful afternoon and Paul hurriedly checked his mailbox; I could see the excitement all over. It was an email from ‘Compassion international’, one of the biggest charity company and we have been through 5 stages of test and interview hoping to land a job with them. Paul had already planned the first-month salary, and he surely had big plans.

“oshe money spender”, I teased him. I, too, was hoping he got the job and all the benefits that come with it. He had been through a lot of bad breaking news in recent times, and a piece of good news would do both of us some real good.

Paul’s countenance changed as he read the email, and I hoped it wasn’t what I thought. “we moveeee”, he said after thoroughly reading the email, and I knew he had just lost another race. Paul would most likely read the email once more, tell himself that he lost this one, and look forward to the next one.

As I watched him go back to his movie, I wondered how life seems different from what I thought it would be as a child. It was supposed to be as simple as a family tree; go to school, finish school, get a good job, start a family, watch your kids create their own family, and die gracefully. I do not think anything prepared me for the part of life that did not go according to plan. Especially the Rejection part.

Rejection hurts, and that is that. I would say rejection is getting a no for something or someone you had already accepted or saying no to someone or something that accepted you. And every day, in different scenarios, this play is being acted out, and characters keep switching scripts.
It’s no doubt that Humans are social characters. We belong to a family, attend a school, work in a company, stay in a neighbourhood, have social media accounts, and the list goes on. Often, we tend to need or want something to complete us; indeed, no one can be without someone or something. And in our quest for these, humanity may serve us the rejection card.

I saw a post on LinkedIn recently about how a man who had applied for more than fifty jobs got twenty rejection emails, a lot of no replies but kept pushing until finally the dream job. And I wonder how much rejection can our soul take.

We may not talk about it, but we know every time we read an email that says no or gets the message that says “sorry it’s over” or even get turned back or turned down by someone, a part of us gets broken, and we tear up inside.
I asked a few of my friends what they did anytime rejection showed up unannounced, and I got similar replies

It happens. Accept that the place, job, situation, or person wasn’t for you, and now this has happened, and you may not be able to change it.

Face your fears. I’m in a mess, and I need to get out, or this is a lot of pain, and I can’t remain like this.

Say with me, “I’m enough” a particular person may have rejected you because of who you are, but that who you are. You are a perfect fit in a puzzle, and you will only fit where you are supposed to serve.

Get yourself on the taxi again and keep going. You may or may not have hit Jackpot soon but sure are not stagnant.
Rejection is sure to happen, and it happens to everyone. Some may put you on the right path, some may teach you a lesson, others may require that you reach for more or less, but it’s a life scenario we all have to get by.
My readers may even reject this piece, but it sure won’t stop me from writing or stop my you from leaving future articles from me, but it would do us real good to realize we are worth more than any emails than the words sum up in rejection.

By Casa.

A relationship that looked like a porn movie.


Humans are social beings blessed with the ability to think, analyse, memorise and communicate with ease. And that’s what sets us apart from other living organisms as well. We tend to see multiple dimensions and perspectives of the same scenario and at times those which are totally contrary to one another. However, one thing that’s particularly universal is the act of survivorship bias.

By definition, a term used to define the logical error of concentrating solely on the people or things that made it past some selection procedure while completely overlooking those who did not.
Now, what would survivorship bias have anything to do with the title you ask? Well, as specified earlier, humans have this innate instinct to overestimate their chances at something, get their hopes dangerously high, to be overly optimistic about something that’s pretty sure to go spiraling down to shit.

This instinct is awakened whenever you start listening to the heart instead of the brain. In other words, when you fall in love. And then you start to get desperate over it, pursuing it even if there is zero chance (mathematically speaking) of seeing it through, putting in a lot of effort, investing a heck lot of time, all eventually in vain. So, is this a much more extreme version of survivorship bias? Or is it a totally different entity altogether? Who knows!

Normally, what everyone experiences the most is infatuation rather than love which may or may not work out in the end. What distinguishes love from this so-called infatuation? Is there a fine line of separation between them? Or are they separated by an ambiguous boundary that is yet to be mapped? Not all questions necessarily have pinpoint answers in this world, but yeah, everything takes a turn for the good or bad. The realisation of one being in true love with another may either come with time, experience, or even day-to-day interactions. It’s not a hard and fast rule and may vary with each person.

So, what does it feel to fall for somebody? Is it special? Is it worth the risk of listening to your instincts? Is it worth the effort? Well, as a matter of fact, it does feel divine, crazy, clumsy, and happy. Like entering unchartered territory, it has its own surprise elements and a fair share of difficulties associated with them. I don’t know how to express that emotion in proper words. You feel happy just being around them even if not a word is uttered. The time appears to go at lightning speed, every hour starts to feel like mere seconds. You start to be so attentive to the surroundings, your looks, and even your behavior while around him/her and it usually ends up making you look like an idiot as well. Stammering and sweaty hands become a ghastly unwelcomed companion that won’t leave you alone. The heart starts to regularly overlook the normal rhythm it’s supposed to be keeping.

However, the funny thing about life is that one may not be entitled to everything we wish for, and it is also applicable to the reciprocation of affection from someone you love as well. That’s unrequited love- one that keeps haunting you, even as you struggle to get over it. You’ll be immensely pained with the knowledge of the truth, often at times ignoring it by harboring hope and expectations. It will start to affect the thinking process and mental health, at times stripping off even the slightest intent to work. The immense amount of helplessness turns into a feeling of worthlessness, that eventually evolves into a form of self-doubt and insecurity. You feel like a void, an emotionless being slowly sinking into the dark realm of depression. And all you’d wish for is silence and the abeyance of responsibilities.

To have friends who could sense even the subtle change of your character is truly what makes one lucky. They bug you with questions, prolong the conversation until the smiling facade you’ve been keeping up shatters into dust, turning you into a whimpering crybaby exploding with emotions. They lend their time, ears, and mind entirely to consoling you, mix the perfect combination of words to ameliorate the situation, to reiterate the fact that this is anything but another small phase of our life and there are endless possibilities and opportunities out there for one to explore.

To move on is a necessary decision to take, no matter how tough and challenging it may seem
In the end, it’s all up to one to make the decision. To sulk and waste life, or to come out of the struggle by fighting adversities. Everyone has got their opinions and interests, and you ought to respect theirs as well. To move on is a necessary decision to take, no matter how tough and challenging it may seem. What life holds out in the future is still an endless mystery. In the end, change is the only constant!

I am now the boss of my ex toxic Manager.

I don’t know how it felt but there she was, again, standing in front of me. We were staring at each other, completely ignoring my manager Alfred who was introducing her as a new member of our team. My heart skipped a beat confirming my mind’s doubt that she would be invading my life again.

My mind shunned my mouth while reminiscing our time together, from the day I joined this organisation as a member of his team under his mentorship to the day when he left the firm, from the day I left Mbarara to the day she came to Kampala. I was just stunned by her presence. I was reeling from the shock that we would be working together in the same team again.

Alfred introduced her to other team members, and now, it was my turn. Alfred introduced me as one of the senior members of the team and told her about all the didos that I do. After informal introduction, Alfred assigned me the task of her formal onboarding. Formal Onboarding for new hires wasn’t a daunting task for me. I had assimilated my whole team except for her. But, to onboard her seemed preposterous.I was struggling with my thoughts on training her for this job. But I had no option knowing how busy our team is.

We shook hands behaving like strangers, standing there flabbergasted. I just sat there, getting the hang of things happening around me. I could feel her looking at me out of the corner of her eye, trying to evaluate my reaction very carefully. But since, she was new, she got pulled into other formalities. I somehow coped up with my feelings but I couldn’t work. So, I left an email saying not feeling well and took my leave from office for the day. I could see her bothered by my reaction but she was the last I would care about.

I reached at my place, entered through the door but couldn’t take a single step ahead. I locked my door and cried my heart out. I could see all the memories buried inside my heart for so long in front of my eyes like a movie. I questioned Paul, the idol I worship, for her sudden appearance in my essence again. When I was convinced this chapter of my life was over, and on verge of moving on, she came out of the blue.

After bawling for almost two hours, I got up, washed my face and unburdened myself from all the thoughts. I was exhausted and hungry at the same time. I made a sandwich for myself, being contemplative of my course of action for next few days. I wanted to handle this situation gracefully and professionally.

Following day, I went to office, composing myself, approaching towards my desk. I saw her sitting at corner desk in the same bay as mine. I noticed her from distance and she didn’t change at all, same intense eyes and perfectly weaved hair on her head. I couldn’t get my eyes off her for a moment. But I collected myself and walked towards my desk, in the another corner of the bay, diagonally opposite to her desk, close to the window.

Without looking at her, I carried on with my routine, turned on my laptop and checked my mailbox and made my to-do list for today. Her onboarding was top in my agenda.I had to start her sessions, set her meetings up with all the leads, request for access to all the tools she would require while working here. Rather than talking to her, I preferred sending an email informing her about her sessions and meetings along with the content for reading in her spare time. While going for breakfast after completing my order of work, I asked her to have a look at her mail, without looking her into the eye. It was awkward.

Incorporating her into the team was a fiddly task but accomplished. I bottled up my feelings inside me. I wasn’t even sure if I still felt for her or I was just scared. I remembered how she used to yell at me when I wasn’t able to explain something.
I was lost in my thoughts when Alfred came and asked me to assign an easy task to Charol. This was an overwhelming situation for me. She was my mentor at one point, and I wasn’t supposed to tell her what she should do. I came up with some excuse and told Alfred to assign some task himself. He immediately checked the backlog and gave Her an easy but important task. Alfred told Charol to take a week to understand the whole flow of code and task at hand to be done.

One evening, I was all done, leaving for home when she asked for help. The task she did suddenly become blocker when she committed something and caused fault in another flow. She was on call with our release manager Johnan. She seemed perplexed and sacred at the same time. I could feel it. But keeping my concerns aside, I took the matter in my hand as I was her mentor now. It was my responsibility to back her up. I talked to Alfred and he gave us two hours to resolve the issue.
Alfred had confidence in me since I always kept my word. But issue was already being escalated to higher management, mainly our Managing Director Tom and our East African team lead Julian. They also joined the call. After some discussion, Julian told us to resolve the issue in an hour or so otherwise we would have to revert the Company’s code. Alfred assured Tom about issue resolution saying issue was in responsible hands referring towards me. Alfred was skeptical seeing my confidence and credibility.

In this stress situation, I was tranquil. I asked Charol to show me the logs and the code she worked upon. I scrutinized the code and logs. She was iffy about my approach and tried to tell me that I am looking at wrong place. She even yelled at me but I was completely focused on the issue paying no attention to her.
After an hour, we found the issue. Charol missed an important use-case. We quickly raised request for new code and merged it.

After the quality manager of our team tested this and gave the green light, I simply picked my laptop and left. Charol was unblocked, Julian was proud and Tom was impressed. But I was not affected by Tom or Julian, I was complacent. I was content that her presence or criticism didn’t overwhelmed me. I was not intimidated by her. I have confidence in myself. I know my worth and no matter what she thinks, I am an important asset for this organisation.

She also got cognizant of the fact that she lost me forever. Self respect is the most important thing you can have.